(Continued from page 4)

spread.
•  There are more diets around than illegal's crossing the border.  Everyday new diets arrive like the Ding-a-Ling diet in which you only eat Ding-a-Lings.  It's for ding-a-lings.  There's the 50 Calorie diet, the Neanderthal Diet and celebrities that were fat but now are skinny diets that are everywhere.  I personally like the sprinkle diet in which you sprinkle your food with some kind of pixie dust and you magically lose weight.
•  If you exercise, research isn't helpful.  For years research disclosed running was good.  Now, research stresses running doesn't work as well as walking.  There's gismo's galore on cable programs that research (who's I'm not sure) divulges 10 minutes of a certain machine or a shaky jiggle belt around the waist is all you need to be eternally thin.  No diet, no sweat.  On the opposite side there's an insane guy doing insane workouts that promises rock hard bodies in 30 days, if it doesn't kill you.
•  So it's no wonder that people are confused and demoralized in the health world today.  Exercise facilities are loaded after January 1st as people swear they're going to get into shape.  By March, those gyms are desolate, lonely shells.
•  So I've decided to start a new health and workout franchise.  There will be an all you can eat diet.  I will guarantee you can gain weight or your money back.  No strenuous exercise necessary.  In fact, each facility will have couches, video games, TV's but no remotes so a person will have to get off the couch to change the channel.  I've done some market research on this.  Everyone I've talked to thought they would join.  I'm going to be rich.